Welcome to “The Game”

Do you feel stuck? Depressed? Dead inside? Maybe a little bit like the protagonist of a Groundhog Day reboot? Or a flesh-decaying extra on The Walking Dead? Or—gasp—like maybe you’ve been thrust into the Lost Woods of life without a pretty elf girl’s song to guide you through?

Well have no fear, fellow adventurer, Hannah’s here.

And just who the heck is Hannah, you might ask? The Californian-high-schooler-by-day-Montanian-pop-star-by-night?

To that I unfortunately have to reply, no. That is not the Hannah you’re looking for. I can’t sing you a serenade. Or work my way around a ranch. Or even twerk. But perhaps, adventurer, I can do something better. Perhaps—if I may be so bold—I can assist you in finding your purpose.

*cue Avenue Q’s “Purpose” song* (No really, if you haven’t heard it, I recommend closing this beautiful collection of pixels ASAP and Googling that shit.)

(It’s a fun and relevant song, I promise.)

(I’ll wait.)

(Okay, waiting’s boring.)

We good? We all psyched up to find our purpose? All ready to embark on an epic adventure across the Bosscapes of the video game of life?

Good.

Then strap on your big kid boots and ready your lasso of truth, adventurer, because it’s time to get down to business and defeat some puns. (And um… find your purpose and stuff. That too.)

The Call to Action

If this is sounding kind of awesome (or scary… in an AWESOME way), then well, AWESOME. Allow me to check your adventurer “prerequisites”, if you will.

This plot line could be for you if:

• You have an open mind
• You’re feeling stuck
• You’ve played video games before
• You want to change
• You feel like there’s more to life
• You’re depressed

This plot line is probably for you if:

• You’re willing to change
• You’re willing to invest in yourself
• You want to find your purpose
• You’re a gamer
• You know there’s gotta be more to life
• You’re ready for some massive leveling up

This plot line is definitely for you if:

• Not only are you willing to change, but you’re willing to put in some serious time and effort into this shit, dammit, ‘cause somewhere – deep down – you know you’re a freaking boss. And not just any boss. You’re like THE BOSS. The Big Bad. The Biggest Bad of All Time EVER and you’re ready for the world to know it, dammit!

This plot line is probably not for you if:

• You take issue to foul language (if you hadn’t noticed, I cuss. It happens. I’m all about keeping it real and sometimes there ain’t nothin’ more fitting than a big fat four-letter word)
• You have a closed mind
• You don’t want your life to change
• You’re not willing to invest in yourself
• You’re unwilling to undergo some serious self-examination
• You want to stay the same “level”
• All this “woo-woo” stuff sounds FREAKING RIDICULOUS (in a… um… bad way) and OMFG, Hannah, what are you smoking? What drugs are you on, really? ‘Cause clearly you’re more than a little off-your-rocker! *backs away slowly, stumbles over the tail of a dragon you hadn’t realized was just chilling in the corner, then continues backing away slowly again*

Let Us Start the Game

Life’s a video game.
Well, not exactly, but kind of. Kind of. Just let that realization sink in for a bit: Life. Is. A. Video. Game.



We good?
Good.

Are you thinking that it’d be freaking awesome if it were actually true? (Yeah, I bet you are.)

Well it is. Kind of. And if learning more about the nature of this “game” sounds pretty freaking awesome to you, then I’m more than happy to assist you along your descent down the proverbial “Rabbit Hole.” Though first, I recommend checking out the tutorial, as undertaking a quest with yours truly may just require you to be fluent in possibly-mad-girl speak.

If you’ve already been down said rabbit hole a couple of times or – like me – happen to live down here, then I can also assist you as we go just a little bit deeper in. (And yes, before you say it: I am very aware that “that’s what she said”… or maybe, that’s what he said???)

No need to single-player this bitch of an RPG. No need to grind either. Let me be the Navi to your Link. (Except with a lot less annoying and a lot more snark? So uh… maybe I’m more like Midna?) Let me be the Tyrion to your Danaerys. The Morpheus to your Neo. Let’s break this stupid wheel already, Danaerys-style. Let’s limbo like Neo and dodge mother-fuckin’ bullets like a boss, defy gravity with some crazy-as-fuck acrobatics, and then whip out the ninja moves, backflipping our way straight out of the jaws of death themselves!

But—ahem!—you get the picture. So without further ado, let’s get this quest underway, shall we?

**I take zero responsibility for any bullet-dodging or dragon-whispering abilities that may manifest over the course of these coaching seshes.
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How to Play

Well, first off, might I suggest reading Find Your Purpose, Find Your Plot Line ?

Once you’ve done that, pick a “difficulty level” from the box above to see more info. If one strikes your fancy, and you’re feeling super keen, you can just go ahead and pay now using the corresponding PayPal button, then send me an email, confirming the questline you’d like to undertake and your time zone, along with your preferred days/general time of day.

If you’d rather schedule first and pay later, that’s cool, too! Again, just send me an email. As long as your session(s) are paid for 72 hrs beforehand, it’s all good.

The sessions will take place over Skype preferably, but if you have some sort of Skype-aversion, I’m open to other methods of communication. (You won’t be able to get recordings of your sessions, however.)